My brother and I were talking to the other day and I was asking him the age old question that he never gets asked by our family members but I always seem to (probably because I am a woman) "when are you going to settle down and get married?" Of course he didn't have an answer and I asked him did he still talk to this one girl that had kids. He told me yes, and I asked him what was up with him being with all of these women that have children? He said that he didn't know and then we got into this discussion about children and I told him that I wasn't having any children until I got married. He told me no does that any more, and my thought was well why not, you can call me old fashion if you want to but I truly don't believe in having childeren before marriage or that being the reason that you are getting married.
Children are a blessing and a HUGE responsibility and I don't think that you should have them lightly. I have ALWAYS hated the term "baby mama" and "baby daddy" ever since people have started saying it in the mid 90's.
I do have a reason behind it all, and it mostly has to do with fear. Fear of raising a child alone, fear of not being able to take care of a child alone, fear of struggling as a single parent, I grew up in a single parent household, I know what its like, and its not all fun.
There are ways that you can prevent it from happening, like keeping your sexual partners to a minimum, using several forms of birth control (the safer the better). It's about being cautious and careful instead of being sorry and regretful and taking that out on your child(ren). I know what that feels like to and its not a good thing either.
I said all of that to say this. I am a single woman that believes in falling in love, getting married, and then having children, and I am not afraid to be that woman in today's society.
I am who I am. Take it or leave.
Until next time
Peace & Blessings
Monday, October 12, 2009
Celebration of Life
Today is my great grandmother's 101st birthday. To say the least I am a bag of mixed emotions. I feel happy and grateful and truly blessed that she has been in my life and that she is still living at 101 years old. It saddens me to see her in her nursing home, to hear her ask questions about her brothers and sister and parents and then to see her get sad once she understands that they are no longer living. It bothers me. I know that it shouldn't because we all are not going to live forever and we are all called to glory at different times and for different reasons when God is ready for us, but at times I can't help but to think, how long is she going to go on living like this?
I pray that I get to see the day when I eventually do have children that there is a picture with the five generations, my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother, myself, and my child, but at the rate I am going I am not sure if that is going to happen anytime soon. Life is hard and it doesn't get any easier as you get older.
Your children really do become your parent once you reach the age where you are no longer able to take care of yourself. At times like this I can't help but to think is this is what my life is going to turn into once i get to be the age of my grandmother, am I going to be taking care of my mother in this capacity? Probably not, my mother has told my brother and myself several times that she doesn't want to end up in a nursing home like the one that my great grandmother is in, and she shouldn't have to, so I figure that she will probably go live with him and his family once he has one since he is her favorite anyway.
I nearly broke down in tears like I do almost every time that I go to see her in that place, because it bothers me so much, but she became a danger to herself so she couldn't live in her house alone anymore.
Life truly is one big circle.
I pray that I get to see the day when I eventually do have children that there is a picture with the five generations, my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother, myself, and my child, but at the rate I am going I am not sure if that is going to happen anytime soon. Life is hard and it doesn't get any easier as you get older.
Your children really do become your parent once you reach the age where you are no longer able to take care of yourself. At times like this I can't help but to think is this is what my life is going to turn into once i get to be the age of my grandmother, am I going to be taking care of my mother in this capacity? Probably not, my mother has told my brother and myself several times that she doesn't want to end up in a nursing home like the one that my great grandmother is in, and she shouldn't have to, so I figure that she will probably go live with him and his family once he has one since he is her favorite anyway.
I nearly broke down in tears like I do almost every time that I go to see her in that place, because it bothers me so much, but she became a danger to herself so she couldn't live in her house alone anymore.
Life truly is one big circle.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Resetting Your Priorities
There are times in life when you come to a crossroads and you have to rethink your original plan so that you can reach your goals. There are so many things in life that I have done when I wasn't fully prepared and I don't want to do that any longer. So I am taking a step back from my original thought process and refocusing on what needs to be done so that I can get to that place where I truly want to be. The longer it is taking me the more that I realize that I am not working on my own time frame. I think that is why I am so unhappy. I am not losing sight of my goals by any means but I am taking a step to review them and come up with a better approach.
I had a conversation with my grandmother yesterday and she always makes everything better with her words of wisdom. She is always praying for me, which is always appreciated. She said that I am at the bottom of the valley, which made total and complete sense to me. I know now what I need to do, so I will continue to pray and hunt for a job that will lead me into a career that will help to climb out of my valley so that I can once again stand on the peak. I know that a change is coming, I just pray that it comes sooner rather than later. I just need someone to take a chance on me and know that I am all that I say that I am and so much more. I can do an abundance of things, I just need to get my foot in the door.
I will get there, I have faith in Him that He will not leave me by the waste side. I have learned my lesson and I am ready to take charge and take control of my life once again.
Until the next one......
Peace & Blessings
I had a conversation with my grandmother yesterday and she always makes everything better with her words of wisdom. She is always praying for me, which is always appreciated. She said that I am at the bottom of the valley, which made total and complete sense to me. I know now what I need to do, so I will continue to pray and hunt for a job that will lead me into a career that will help to climb out of my valley so that I can once again stand on the peak. I know that a change is coming, I just pray that it comes sooner rather than later. I just need someone to take a chance on me and know that I am all that I say that I am and so much more. I can do an abundance of things, I just need to get my foot in the door.
I will get there, I have faith in Him that He will not leave me by the waste side. I have learned my lesson and I am ready to take charge and take control of my life once again.
Until the next one......
Peace & Blessings
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Take Advantage of LIFE!!!!
The last 17 months have been extremely trying times in my life. I have been going through more downs than ups lately. But there can be no testimony without a test right? If I didn't believe that than I would have taken the selfish way out along time ago, trust me.
This week has brought some things into my life that I didn't see happening as quickly as they have. First I have started writing my first screenplay for a movie with someone else, a person that I met on twitter which is kinda of weird, but she has a warm spirit and a sense of humor, things like that go far in my book. God always puts people in your life for a reason at the right time. I am a believer of that as well. I said on my facebook page this week, that everyday is a present and this week I have been receiving a lot of gifts. I am more grateful than I think I am able to express.
Today was a bit of a sad day though. I went to a funeral, which is a part of life because we all get called Home eventually, but this funeral was for a friends son, he was 9 months old. I can never understand why children are called Home at such an early age, but that is not for me to understand and that could be the point. But what this funeral did do possibly is reunite me with an old friend. We never really lost touch per say we just don't communicate as much as we used to when we were growing up. That is another part of life as well. We all grow and move into different directions in our own individual lives. But relationships that were once important to you and that still are still important to you, you need to preserve and make sure that they continue to grow and thrive.
Tomorrow I am going out on a date with a old friend that I have a feeling is trying to reconnect with me. We were a couple in high school and have remained friends ever since, now I am open to the idea, if that is it something that is meant to be. I can't say that right now. I am just going to take it one day at a time, because isn't that what life is all about, taking things one day at a time, living in the moment, and opening the door when opportunity knocks on it.
Just some food for thought.
Peace & Blessings :-)
This week has brought some things into my life that I didn't see happening as quickly as they have. First I have started writing my first screenplay for a movie with someone else, a person that I met on twitter which is kinda of weird, but she has a warm spirit and a sense of humor, things like that go far in my book. God always puts people in your life for a reason at the right time. I am a believer of that as well. I said on my facebook page this week, that everyday is a present and this week I have been receiving a lot of gifts. I am more grateful than I think I am able to express.
Today was a bit of a sad day though. I went to a funeral, which is a part of life because we all get called Home eventually, but this funeral was for a friends son, he was 9 months old. I can never understand why children are called Home at such an early age, but that is not for me to understand and that could be the point. But what this funeral did do possibly is reunite me with an old friend. We never really lost touch per say we just don't communicate as much as we used to when we were growing up. That is another part of life as well. We all grow and move into different directions in our own individual lives. But relationships that were once important to you and that still are still important to you, you need to preserve and make sure that they continue to grow and thrive.
Tomorrow I am going out on a date with a old friend that I have a feeling is trying to reconnect with me. We were a couple in high school and have remained friends ever since, now I am open to the idea, if that is it something that is meant to be. I can't say that right now. I am just going to take it one day at a time, because isn't that what life is all about, taking things one day at a time, living in the moment, and opening the door when opportunity knocks on it.
Just some food for thought.
Peace & Blessings :-)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Chasing My Dreams
One of the funniest things about life is discovering what your dreams really are, some times it takes seriously taking time to have some very serious conversations with yourself to figure it out. I mean you can tell lies to everyone one about what it is your really want to do, but you can't continue to lie to yourself. And why would you want to? When you finally do discover what it is that is truly going to make you happy you have to go after it with everything in your power to make your dream a reality, no matter what it takes.
All my life I have been told by people in my family of what I should and shouldn't be doing with my life. Everyone is so focused on me having a good job getting married have and having children. Leading the traditional American life. But what most of them fail to see is that I am not a traditional person in that regard. I do want to get married, and I do want to have children. But my dreams take me outside of working a regular 9-5 type of job. I have done it before and I am sure that I will continue to do so until I can get to where I want to be with my dream, but encouragement from the people that you love in life can take you a long, but when it is lacking it can make things 10 times harder than it really has to be.
If I never make it as a well known writer I can live with that, but what I can not live with is not trying. That would be the death of me. And I think that is something for people who are not creative or don't carry that creative energy the way that I do, don't understand. I have to be able to create my art in able for me to survive and keep my sanity. I am not like everyone else in my family and that is something that they don't seem to understand. But if I blow up and become the next Bebe Moore Campbell, Zane, Terry McMillan, Dan Brown, Nora Roberts, or Nikki Giovanni than everyone of course is going to say that they knew it was destined for me to lead this type of life. Bull feathers!!!!
We all have our hurdles to jump and this is one of mine. So to get out of the time and place that I am in right now I am moving to a better environment so that my creativity can be free because I will be around creative minds that function like I function, which makes me happy.
I feel like I got a late start because in my younger years I was pushed to the music side which I love but is not #1 in my life. But that was a conclusion that I had to come to in my own time, when He was ready for me to come to terms with that. Now that I think I am close to being on the same page as He is, I am ready to it take it on and begin again by refocusing and rededicating myself to my dreams and pursing them so that I can make myself happy first and not worry about trying to please everyone else. They will fall in line eventually, if not oh well, I have people that believe in my abilities that are not tied to me by blood, but by the grace of God and that is perfectly alright with me.
All my life I have been told by people in my family of what I should and shouldn't be doing with my life. Everyone is so focused on me having a good job getting married have and having children. Leading the traditional American life. But what most of them fail to see is that I am not a traditional person in that regard. I do want to get married, and I do want to have children. But my dreams take me outside of working a regular 9-5 type of job. I have done it before and I am sure that I will continue to do so until I can get to where I want to be with my dream, but encouragement from the people that you love in life can take you a long, but when it is lacking it can make things 10 times harder than it really has to be.
If I never make it as a well known writer I can live with that, but what I can not live with is not trying. That would be the death of me. And I think that is something for people who are not creative or don't carry that creative energy the way that I do, don't understand. I have to be able to create my art in able for me to survive and keep my sanity. I am not like everyone else in my family and that is something that they don't seem to understand. But if I blow up and become the next Bebe Moore Campbell, Zane, Terry McMillan, Dan Brown, Nora Roberts, or Nikki Giovanni than everyone of course is going to say that they knew it was destined for me to lead this type of life. Bull feathers!!!!
We all have our hurdles to jump and this is one of mine. So to get out of the time and place that I am in right now I am moving to a better environment so that my creativity can be free because I will be around creative minds that function like I function, which makes me happy.
I feel like I got a late start because in my younger years I was pushed to the music side which I love but is not #1 in my life. But that was a conclusion that I had to come to in my own time, when He was ready for me to come to terms with that. Now that I think I am close to being on the same page as He is, I am ready to it take it on and begin again by refocusing and rededicating myself to my dreams and pursing them so that I can make myself happy first and not worry about trying to please everyone else. They will fall in line eventually, if not oh well, I have people that believe in my abilities that are not tied to me by blood, but by the grace of God and that is perfectly alright with me.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Living The Single Life
I don't even know how to start this post..... let me see.....
My last relationship lasted for over 3 years almost to the day. I was so at the point to where I thought I could settle despite the major life choices that I was willing to completely ignore because I loved him. It wasn't until the end that I realized that I wasn't going to stop being me and he wasn't going to stop being him, which wasn't a bad thing but it wouldn't have lasted too much longer because we both want very different things in life. And though he is a really good friend to me and I to him I knew that I was going to have to cut communication if I was ever going to be able to move on and get over him. Since Father's Day was last Sunday, I decided probably against my better judgement to send him a happy father's day text along to all of my other people that were in my phone that have children (his son turned 2 this month and yet I have no kids, just keep that in mind as the story goes on). So that one simple text message turned into about a 2 hour text conversation about why we have stopped talking and how shady of a person I am because of how I stopped communication. Excuse me for trying to look out for myself first, and know that if I continue to speak with him, that I will never fully be able to get over him. In the end he asked me when I was going to come and see him. My answer was that I would think about it, which he knows me well enough to know that I am not going to go over there.
So this situation has left me back to being 100% single and ready to mingle, but that is a part of my problem. I am not ready yo mingle. Every time I go out I attract all of these men that I am not interested in because they don't meet my standards. I am picky and I know it. The first being physical because when you are really honest with yourself, that is the first thing that you notice about someone is the physical. I don't date people that are the same height as me, I just don't that is my preference and there are a lot of reasons behind it. 5"11 is the shortest that I will go and that is pushing it. And please don't lie about it because I can tell.
If you have ever seen "Something New" with Sanaa Lathan, I kinda feel like her character, Kenya McQueen when it comes to the type of people that I think are worth my time. I have a list. I have standards, everyone should. Another part of my problem is that I am always attracted to men that are not necessarily attracted to me. I have the "friend complex" as I like to call it, when guys tell you that they only think of you are a friend. It is something that I am used to so it doesn't bother me anymore. But I am very guarded, because I refuse to let my heart get broken again.
Recently I have spent time with a few different couples that are my friends, some family and they are SO sugar sweet happy that it is sickening, but I look forward to the day that is me. Doesn't make any sense I know. Don't get me wrong I have my days when I really do love being single, because the only person that I have to worry about is me, but on the flip side of that coin, I look forward to the days when I have someone else to worry about as well. When you go from having a companion for 3 years, someone that has your back, that you can talk to about everything, someone that you are sharing your life with even if it isn't on a permanent basis, because that what your relationship is, sharing your life with someone married or not. It is a difficult transition. But I can't settle for someone that is not going to make me happy, because even though I knew towards the end that my ex and I weren't going to be 4ever, we still had something, a connection, a bond. That is something that can't be forced it just happens.
So until it just happens again I will be satisfied living the single life.
My last relationship lasted for over 3 years almost to the day. I was so at the point to where I thought I could settle despite the major life choices that I was willing to completely ignore because I loved him. It wasn't until the end that I realized that I wasn't going to stop being me and he wasn't going to stop being him, which wasn't a bad thing but it wouldn't have lasted too much longer because we both want very different things in life. And though he is a really good friend to me and I to him I knew that I was going to have to cut communication if I was ever going to be able to move on and get over him. Since Father's Day was last Sunday, I decided probably against my better judgement to send him a happy father's day text along to all of my other people that were in my phone that have children (his son turned 2 this month and yet I have no kids, just keep that in mind as the story goes on). So that one simple text message turned into about a 2 hour text conversation about why we have stopped talking and how shady of a person I am because of how I stopped communication. Excuse me for trying to look out for myself first, and know that if I continue to speak with him, that I will never fully be able to get over him. In the end he asked me when I was going to come and see him. My answer was that I would think about it, which he knows me well enough to know that I am not going to go over there.
So this situation has left me back to being 100% single and ready to mingle, but that is a part of my problem. I am not ready yo mingle. Every time I go out I attract all of these men that I am not interested in because they don't meet my standards. I am picky and I know it. The first being physical because when you are really honest with yourself, that is the first thing that you notice about someone is the physical. I don't date people that are the same height as me, I just don't that is my preference and there are a lot of reasons behind it. 5"11 is the shortest that I will go and that is pushing it. And please don't lie about it because I can tell.
If you have ever seen "Something New" with Sanaa Lathan, I kinda feel like her character, Kenya McQueen when it comes to the type of people that I think are worth my time. I have a list. I have standards, everyone should. Another part of my problem is that I am always attracted to men that are not necessarily attracted to me. I have the "friend complex" as I like to call it, when guys tell you that they only think of you are a friend. It is something that I am used to so it doesn't bother me anymore. But I am very guarded, because I refuse to let my heart get broken again.
Recently I have spent time with a few different couples that are my friends, some family and they are SO sugar sweet happy that it is sickening, but I look forward to the day that is me. Doesn't make any sense I know. Don't get me wrong I have my days when I really do love being single, because the only person that I have to worry about is me, but on the flip side of that coin, I look forward to the days when I have someone else to worry about as well. When you go from having a companion for 3 years, someone that has your back, that you can talk to about everything, someone that you are sharing your life with even if it isn't on a permanent basis, because that what your relationship is, sharing your life with someone married or not. It is a difficult transition. But I can't settle for someone that is not going to make me happy, because even though I knew towards the end that my ex and I weren't going to be 4ever, we still had something, a connection, a bond. That is something that can't be forced it just happens.
So until it just happens again I will be satisfied living the single life.
Minding Your Own Business
I am the type of person that there are a lot of people feel like they need to tell me all of their business. Why, I haven't the slightest idea. It could be the fact that I am a very nice person, or maybe it's my warm and inviting personality, I don't know. But some times, just some times, I really don't care to hear it. You don't want to know my opinion so why are you talking to me and asking me what you should do? I am going to be honest with you and tell you what I think about whatever the situation is, and if you don't want to hear the truth I am the wrong person that you want to speak with.
I have always given sound advice whether you like it or not, is up to you, but take it for what it is. ADVICE. You ask. I will answer. People that know me know where I stand about certain things that I hold in high regard, like for example, cheating. I don't believe in it. I have never done it, and I don't ever plan on it. So please don't come crying to me because you found out that your man/woman cheated on after you cheated on them first and they found out about it. Please believe that I will not care. What goes around comes around in that regard in my book.
At times I really think that I know way too much information about way too many people and their families and their boyfriends/girlfriends. But on the other side of that coin there are a few people that know just as much information about me. So what does that tell you? We all need someone to know some of our business so it is damn near impossible to keep everything to ourselves. But we all should have at least a few skeletons that go with us to the grave.
I have always given sound advice whether you like it or not, is up to you, but take it for what it is. ADVICE. You ask. I will answer. People that know me know where I stand about certain things that I hold in high regard, like for example, cheating. I don't believe in it. I have never done it, and I don't ever plan on it. So please don't come crying to me because you found out that your man/woman cheated on after you cheated on them first and they found out about it. Please believe that I will not care. What goes around comes around in that regard in my book.
At times I really think that I know way too much information about way too many people and their families and their boyfriends/girlfriends. But on the other side of that coin there are a few people that know just as much information about me. So what does that tell you? We all need someone to know some of our business so it is damn near impossible to keep everything to ourselves. But we all should have at least a few skeletons that go with us to the grave.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
My very first blog
So starting my own blog has been something that I have been thinking about doing for a while now. I have so much going on and so many things that are constantly on my mind that I feel like sharing with random people. At times it is harder for me to go to the people that I know and that know me well because I already know what they are going to say in response to whatever the situation might be. Very random I know but it is very true. Think about it the next time you go to someone that you know and care about and that knows you and cares about you and they are going to say what you think that are going to say 9 times out of 10.
Just a random thought that just happen to come across my mind right at this moment. There are a lot of things that I need to get done and to get them done in a hurry. I feel like my life is depending on it right at this moment, like I might stop breathing sometime soon if i don't get out of my current situation and on to a better. Please don't take that as me being suicidal or anything just getting some things off my mind is all, trying to clear out the clutter. As I blog more you will be able to get a better idea of who I am as a person and better yet who I am trying to become as a woman. But I think that I have said enough for today. I'll be back soon, so until next time.....
Just a random thought that just happen to come across my mind right at this moment. There are a lot of things that I need to get done and to get them done in a hurry. I feel like my life is depending on it right at this moment, like I might stop breathing sometime soon if i don't get out of my current situation and on to a better. Please don't take that as me being suicidal or anything just getting some things off my mind is all, trying to clear out the clutter. As I blog more you will be able to get a better idea of who I am as a person and better yet who I am trying to become as a woman. But I think that I have said enough for today. I'll be back soon, so until next time.....
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